Unappreciated...

Today was a real rough day. It was a continuum of the other day which broke into various chain reactions just because of her words. It was one of those many days when her mouth began to pounce like a wolves' sharp teeth gripping hard on your heart and killing you bit by bit which I may say had pierced my soul since childhood.
It was a fateful day when Mothers' day and my spiritual mentor's wedding anniversary have been celebrated at the same day. Three  months ago, my mentor has requested me to be part of the event and I joyfully accepted it. I had huge parts during that day, from organizing to actual singing and even firefighting. It was a blessed event since the Lord spoke to me on that day's impact on me. For a person who seeks to meet the man of my life with utmost pain and patience for almost a decade, God showed me the fruit of a God lead marriage and how wonderful it is to be married as well. In all aspect if the event, there was a silent message given by the Lord which I may see His doing all along.

But it was also Mothers' day. A night before, as the co-organizers were preparing up and slept in one of the team member's home, it rocked to us the importance of the Mothers' day event. As two of them prepared the flowers to be given to moms (including mine), we also set up the wedding details which were painstakingly many. All four of us, greeted our moms using technology. I sent mine early morning, when my eyes opened and braced myself for the day's event.

I greeted her a simple "Happy Mother's Day". That simple as I wasn't so dramatic in giving off greetings and presents. It was me. If I had to be that extravagant, I have to ask someone to plan and do since my imagination isn't that broad and I am such a lousy killjoy gift giver. The rose would also suffice it was also part of our gifts not just to her but also to all the mothers. Besides, I was off now without money in my pocket and account and it would be impractical for me to buy her cake or chocolates for the day.

It was a Sunday, so I whispered her my greeting when we met up in church and asked my brother Lei to give the rose to her. I wanted a remembrance.. even during the sermon, I told myself that I, Lei and Mom should have our picture taken since I will not be able to be with her for the rest of the day. I wanted to make sure she feels appreciated as my mom especially as I know her deeply for being such a sour person when it comes to gifts.
But I was wrong. I completely misunderstand her since that day...

Days have passed since that May 8 event. I was pretty tired when I arrived from office and I wanted to rest early. My close friend lloyd was expecting me to have a conversation later that evening so I had to wait for him upon his arrival at his residence. Mom and Dad arrived after doing some business errands. As i laid down in my room, she then started it.

I realized that she was babbling about the Mother's Day event. She happened to be so unhappy about my early morning message and my whole day's effort of the wedding of my mentor. It hit my heart like a wooden pedal hit me in the back! She was complaining and murmuring that I was such a hypocrite... who would do better things for other people and not to our family. I was just silent and she kept on yammering on her dislikes about me (being unconcerned, effortless, unfair treatment to a her as a mother) and I was so pissed off I had to cover my ears with something and listened to worship songs instead of thinking badly about her. So she never did appreciate it... I should have known... with that I wasn't able to have my series of appointments that night. Mom and Lloyd were pretty mad at me...

And today was the second phase of her complaining spirit. I received my salary for the past month and I wanted to treat her for lunch. But she begged down. She doesn't want me spending for her. My patience then pricked up. A few nights ago she was complaining about me who is not giving any effort at all.. and now.. I wanted to treat her since I have now he resources I need, she then throws back how BAD I am who just gives gifts because they were demanded off. The more I became confused then.. It drifted to a much more complex argument and my patience got worn off. My big mouth now acted what my heart wanted to say... but she was still my mom... I had to hit the brakes and let her speak to her heart's content. Maybe that is what she wants. For me to be broken and act like dung because of her discontent.

I thought at my present age I would be able to understand her now. In my younger years, I was pretty much afraid of her and my father was the one who i have given my thoughts and my attention to. She seemed so far as a mom, solid as a rock and loves to compare my weaknesses with other children. She didn't like children too, that's why my brothers aren't that close to her as well. I guess this was one of the factors why I have a very low self esteem since the weakness has been planted since my childhood days.

It was just recently that I realized why she acted that way.Due to her family background and my grand mom's hatred towards her first husband, she carried the bitterness and slammed it up to her daughter. Mom brought it with her and eventually, even had to wring the realities in her children's neck. But, the question is... if we call ourselves christians, should we be as same as our unsaved loved ones in the past and being imprisoned still with the bitterness? I thought a christian is free from all ancestral sins? Why is she allowing herself to be engulfed still with this bitterness and passing it down to us? I am just so confused...

And so, I am confused, hurt and directionless now. A few years ago, when she was so mean she even got jealous of me because I was close to my father, I planned to start living independently. But Papa had requested me not to... for my little brother's sake. Now, I again piled up and hurt enough... I really want to out of this mess...

Help, Lord... give me enlightenment...

LIfe's Goal

Last published: April 28, 2008

The world is full of mystery. Days are so vividly fast in pace and most people just face their lives as in, living a senseless life and the absence of a Maker. But God has a purpose for everything… why He made man.. Why He made this world… why He had allowed some thing to happen.. Its for His GLORY. And this is worth taking in.

So what's the purpose why I am alive and kicking? It's for His glory indeed. How I hope someday my heart's desire be fulfilled.. and that is to be with Him forever and ever!