Trying...

I want to cry hard... but I musn't...
I want to scream... but I should be silent...
I want to turn back... but it's useless
I want to call... but I promised not to...
I want to share to others... but they will celebrate...
I want to die... but God keeps me awake...

I'm trying... help me Lord to try... Your grace and mercy will keep me tight...

For the remaining week...
For the rest of the month...
Till the next few months...
Till I rest in Your arms peacefully and joyfully...

Trying... but I know I will fail. Its only You who could...

Unappreciated...

Today was a real rough day. It was a continuum of the other day which broke into various chain reactions just because of her words. It was one of those many days when her mouth began to pounce like a wolves' sharp teeth gripping hard on your heart and killing you bit by bit which I may say had pierced my soul since childhood.
It was a fateful day when Mothers' day and my spiritual mentor's wedding anniversary have been celebrated at the same day. Three  months ago, my mentor has requested me to be part of the event and I joyfully accepted it. I had huge parts during that day, from organizing to actual singing and even firefighting. It was a blessed event since the Lord spoke to me on that day's impact on me. For a person who seeks to meet the man of my life with utmost pain and patience for almost a decade, God showed me the fruit of a God lead marriage and how wonderful it is to be married as well. In all aspect if the event, there was a silent message given by the Lord which I may see His doing all along.

But it was also Mothers' day. A night before, as the co-organizers were preparing up and slept in one of the team member's home, it rocked to us the importance of the Mothers' day event. As two of them prepared the flowers to be given to moms (including mine), we also set up the wedding details which were painstakingly many. All four of us, greeted our moms using technology. I sent mine early morning, when my eyes opened and braced myself for the day's event.

I greeted her a simple "Happy Mother's Day". That simple as I wasn't so dramatic in giving off greetings and presents. It was me. If I had to be that extravagant, I have to ask someone to plan and do since my imagination isn't that broad and I am such a lousy killjoy gift giver. The rose would also suffice it was also part of our gifts not just to her but also to all the mothers. Besides, I was off now without money in my pocket and account and it would be impractical for me to buy her cake or chocolates for the day.

It was a Sunday, so I whispered her my greeting when we met up in church and asked my brother Lei to give the rose to her. I wanted a remembrance.. even during the sermon, I told myself that I, Lei and Mom should have our picture taken since I will not be able to be with her for the rest of the day. I wanted to make sure she feels appreciated as my mom especially as I know her deeply for being such a sour person when it comes to gifts.
But I was wrong. I completely misunderstand her since that day...

Days have passed since that May 8 event. I was pretty tired when I arrived from office and I wanted to rest early. My close friend lloyd was expecting me to have a conversation later that evening so I had to wait for him upon his arrival at his residence. Mom and Dad arrived after doing some business errands. As i laid down in my room, she then started it.

I realized that she was babbling about the Mother's Day event. She happened to be so unhappy about my early morning message and my whole day's effort of the wedding of my mentor. It hit my heart like a wooden pedal hit me in the back! She was complaining and murmuring that I was such a hypocrite... who would do better things for other people and not to our family. I was just silent and she kept on yammering on her dislikes about me (being unconcerned, effortless, unfair treatment to a her as a mother) and I was so pissed off I had to cover my ears with something and listened to worship songs instead of thinking badly about her. So she never did appreciate it... I should have known... with that I wasn't able to have my series of appointments that night. Mom and Lloyd were pretty mad at me...

And today was the second phase of her complaining spirit. I received my salary for the past month and I wanted to treat her for lunch. But she begged down. She doesn't want me spending for her. My patience then pricked up. A few nights ago she was complaining about me who is not giving any effort at all.. and now.. I wanted to treat her since I have now he resources I need, she then throws back how BAD I am who just gives gifts because they were demanded off. The more I became confused then.. It drifted to a much more complex argument and my patience got worn off. My big mouth now acted what my heart wanted to say... but she was still my mom... I had to hit the brakes and let her speak to her heart's content. Maybe that is what she wants. For me to be broken and act like dung because of her discontent.

I thought at my present age I would be able to understand her now. In my younger years, I was pretty much afraid of her and my father was the one who i have given my thoughts and my attention to. She seemed so far as a mom, solid as a rock and loves to compare my weaknesses with other children. She didn't like children too, that's why my brothers aren't that close to her as well. I guess this was one of the factors why I have a very low self esteem since the weakness has been planted since my childhood days.

It was just recently that I realized why she acted that way.Due to her family background and my grand mom's hatred towards her first husband, she carried the bitterness and slammed it up to her daughter. Mom brought it with her and eventually, even had to wring the realities in her children's neck. But, the question is... if we call ourselves christians, should we be as same as our unsaved loved ones in the past and being imprisoned still with the bitterness? I thought a christian is free from all ancestral sins? Why is she allowing herself to be engulfed still with this bitterness and passing it down to us? I am just so confused...

And so, I am confused, hurt and directionless now. A few years ago, when she was so mean she even got jealous of me because I was close to my father, I planned to start living independently. But Papa had requested me not to... for my little brother's sake. Now, I again piled up and hurt enough... I really want to out of this mess...

Help, Lord... give me enlightenment...

LIfe's Goal

Last published: April 28, 2008

The world is full of mystery. Days are so vividly fast in pace and most people just face their lives as in, living a senseless life and the absence of a Maker. But God has a purpose for everything… why He made man.. Why He made this world… why He had allowed some thing to happen.. Its for His GLORY. And this is worth taking in.

So what's the purpose why I am alive and kicking? It's for His glory indeed. How I hope someday my heart's desire be fulfilled.. and that is to be with Him forever and ever!

New Work.. No Life... New Sights... New Ministry...

I was humming to myself and closing my eyes as I feel the coolness of the room. Everyone was still not in their respective cubicles and I was alone in the lobby, looking at my appointment logbook and wringing my fingers. The receptionist just came in and she smiled at me. I smiled back and asked her if a certain Grace was already in. She shook her head and asked me to wait for her.

Ah.. So I am early, huh? I asked myself as I relaxed on the couch. My thoughts took me somewhere then. Somewhere far away... when I took that time and held a promise to my palms.. a promise made 19 months ago.

*Since that tragic day when I wandered to that terrifying office and spoke to that unreasoning dragon, the ruler under the regime of uncertainty and frustrations of my workplace, I have continuously fell to my knees day by day to ask the great Boss one certain request...

For almost four years of staying in the agency, the time has come that both in spirit, heart and mind, I wanted a way out.. to be separated from this worldy mess I am in. The Lord deserves better service than what I am currently doing there. Righteousness has been given to us through the death of Christ and we are now free from compromises and the desire to sin. But staying in the office gives me the creeps... the goosebumps... hard choices to make which affects this life of mine. I dont think the Lord is glorified with sin and sin should not be taken for granted.

Its between two choices... its either ill be kicked out because im being disobedient to them, or I really have to start finding my way out so not to compromise my true service to the Almighty One.

I just pray that through this aggressive move to spin out of that abomination, He will lead me out. What if He wants me to stay?? then the first option will surely happen. But my love ones still need me. I cant risk them for being so useless to them. I pray and beg that He will surely swirl me out and transfer to a place where I can be a glorifying instrument to Him.

Enough has been done in the past... Its time to be free...
That was 19 months ago. And I never stopped praying and never stopped hoping... and never stopped from clutching to a hopeful exit. And after all these months of emotional turmoil and discontentment, the Lord of lords and King of kings had answered my prayer. He led me out.

Though it took this long, I was so glad I went on to another phase.

New Work

It was new to me. Though I have worked in a private company before, I came into a very controversial company. It was so infamous and the public seem to have 50-50 remarks on its operations. McDonalds had international standards as well, but this company ha dmore complexities and I was in a new function which I have not been much absorbed in my five years in the agency. Though I was handling systems in the past, I was more into action, implementation works and running through the sand. Now I was at the top, looking at implementers, more now of an observer than into actual action and just sitting on a large rock on the beach watching people frolicking in the sand.  Thinking was more into this work and it is fairly a positive force to me. Though in the past I was a field worker, I am keen to sit down and put the pencil eraser in my forehead and t-h-i-n-k.

New Life

New people are surrounding me. I just thank God that He has allowed me to have familiar faces in the company such as my boss, my other parallel boss and superintendent boss. I had a few relatives in other departments and college friends who walk to and fro the company grounds. Yes, they were familiar but I was still in a new world. When work faces the pressures and stress in their own respective function, one can see the true nature of people's attitudes. Oftentimes, I am surprised of what I disciver day by day. I think out aloud when walking in corridors and whispering prayers that God will not allow me to fail the expectations of people in this new world... and even the company itself.

Surely, its a new life. Adjustments are meant to be observed and habits are now assessed whether they were applicable or not. As this nature of mine calls for peaceful relations with everyone (as much as possible), I had to both serve God and this earthly master here. I want to please everybody but I know some might not be pleased with me. So, patience is really a virtue now... may I have loads of it.. and may my boss have his own bullets of patience as well for me... the silly me...

New Sights

I was walking around the coast in the past. Now the terrain is more on highlands. I was dealing with mostly common faces living in the rural areas. Now I have to face more co-tribes of mine in the mountains of South Cotabato. I have to face now the culture which my blood has and what it made me as one.

Its not just the terrain and culture of clients. Its the room as well. Though we share tables, I was now more aware of being tidy. I cant hep but smile when I remember how messed up my desk was in my past work. The equipment lend to me the company is much more sophisticated and strict. I was a project manager in the past... now im a technical assistant to a supervisor.

I hardly can explain the newness of the sights I see everyday. Its always a new thing to me... causing me to have seconds of shock... and Im enjoying these moments.

New Ministry

I was a failure in the past. I wasnt able to bring anyone to Christ when I worked there. Instead of influencing the people around me, I was the one influenced. And largely, I blame myself of being lax and unclinging to the author and finisher of my faith. The light and salt wasnt explored much and I do not know what impressions I have left in there.

But as I face this big-time newness... He has given me a new responsibility of renewing such influence He expects me to show to everyone. I am not perfect and I will never be in this life... but Someone in me is perfect and I know He will guide me to be a witness and a seasoning to a tasteless environment.

A few days have passed since I sat in that couch. And I will never stop thanking the One who answers prayers endlessly. May this new work, life, sights and ministry make me more of someone that I should have been...



By-laws and Articles of Incorp Part 2

Still waiting in line, I drew up my hands and reviewed the happenings for today.
I edited the By-laws... presented it to Attorney Galvez.. and prayed no MAJOR change shall be given by this SEC point person. As I looked at her scribbling the By-laws with her pencil and reading it briskly, she was murmuring again and again.. I told you to... I told you to... who was she pertaining about?
She stopped at read one of he major revisions we did last meeting... the definition of regular members. As she looked at me, she confirmed whether the Non-COs did not have the equal rights as top the COs.
I peeked at the her copy and told her that the incorporators agreed that the non-COs were not matured enough to handle responsibilities as Os can do. She looked at he papers again. I just gulped air and prayed silently again.. O Lord may there be no major changes that will be recommended in this part... or else we will have to return the papers again and re-agree on its contents....
Do they pay association dues? she asked.
I nodded and explained that there are at times that we don't let them pay if not needed.
She nodded, too and walked away from her desk. I saw her reach for some corporation code books which were three times thicker my Bible.
She scribbled and looked for the contents re the rights and responsibilities of members. After looking for its contents on nearly three books, she returned back to our papers and continued on checking and marking the other contents.
When she was done, she returned me to me the original set and explained to me the changes I had to make. Add some contents here and snow-pake some and countersign it by me and return it with the rest of the five sets.
So, is done, Ma'am? I asked with astonishment. "Ill just make these changes then Ill return here for the finalization and the certificate?
Yup, she said and beamed at me.
I nearly wanted to run out of that office and jump for joy. But of course, modesty reminders, I walked to the working areas, opened the laptop and made the changes in the computer. After making the changes, I went back to SM and printed it out in Netopia and photocopied other changes in the other shop. After buying the folder needed I walked back to the SEC office and made the packaging of the 6 copies with the necessary markings and signatures.
I looked at my watch and I stood on line again for my turn in Dr. Galvez' advice. When my turn came up, she checked and marked with her signatures and other codes the other 6 copies. She asked me to pay the fees at the cashier and return the papers back to her. It was 4 pm and I didn't want to return the next day just to pay the registration fees etc.
So I hurriedly walked to the cashier, paid for the bills (which was half as was expected to pay!) and returned back again o Atty Galvez to submit the almost finished documents. When she accepted the files, I asked her bluntly, when can we get the certificate?
Uhmm... she said as she thought loudly. I'm not sure with albert but I just hope it can be finished by tomorrow afternoon.
Tomorrow afternoon? I asked myself surprisingly...not a month?
So I went to Mr. Albert across the same floor of the building and asked him if I can have the certificate by tomorrow morning. He nodded and approved of my request.
With a smile on my face, and praising God silently, looked at the blue sky ahead of me.
So, it's done! After 5 months of coming back to this place, finally God allowed it to be finalized. the ICHTHUS Society is now a true legal person in the eyes of the State.
ICHTHUS!

The By-laws and Articles

Since that non-sleeping overnight meeting in the creation of the ICHTHUS Society by-laws and articles of incorporation last November 2008.. I have been observing the flow of events that surround these documents. Since the COs drafting and finalizing last December 9, 2008, Lead Officer and I have been constantly taking ourselves to the limits by going to Davao just to process the documents.
Early December I went to Davao, as a sidetrip during my attendance to the Risk-Based Management MEeting in Insular Hotel. I went to SEC and a certain attorney scrutinized the by-laws. "Ipakita mo yan sa akin pag notarized na" she said. I just studied the methodoly and the process and other documents needed and went home.
Second to the last week fo December when LO Losaria went to SEC again to submit the first batch of papers. A major revision was actually done in the articles of incorporation. The Attorney actually told him to send next time a person who can understand everything she is saying! So much for grace...!
Third journey was last January, second week. I went there to submit the revised ARticles of Incorp. She totally wanted the By-laws to be based on the SEC proforma... I went home with ideas in my mind.
Fourth submission, LO went to Davao last FEbruary 27, 2009. Uhmm... some parts of the By-laws were a bit confusing particulaly teh definition of COs in the by-laws context. We ended up having a special meeting, debating on the matter and deciding on branching out and make things a bit complex.
Its 1:00 AM in my watch.. hmmm today our fifth visit will be conducted... I pray to You, Lord!!! Have mercy,.. let our By-laws and articles be acceptable in her sight that we can push through with the plans (based on Your will) in the pushing of the Kingdom's cause forYour glory!!!
COs unite!!!!!!!!! Haystack! HAystack! HAystack! Harvest!!! HArvest!!! ICHTHUS!!!

Contrata.. Bonus. Differential. Sweldo.

February 18, 2009

This is one of the days na talagang tinatamad ako.

Ayoko magtrabaho.. ayoko mag-isip... I feel na I'm so paralyzed... When you dont have a contract to be used as a basis for you work.. when  you havent received your JAnuary salary because of the absence of contract... when everyone has already received their differentials and bonuses last month and you are the only one left who is hanging on the wall.. and not to mention that I am in DEBT just to be operational for the last one and a half month... it seems that you being stompped out of work and your being so hopeless...

After the emotional turmoil.. here comes another struggle... your livelihood itself.. The momentous awaiting of your financial needs in which the Lord has provided me... Grabeng test of PATIENCE and PERSEVERANCE ... Hmmm.... by God's grace nakakakain pa naman ako.. nakakhitch sa mga LGU na sasakyan para makalibre ng sakay.. at buhay pa ako.. hheheh..yun nga lang.. la ng panggastos sa discipleship, sa personal na pangangailangan ng katawan at sa tulong sa Bahay, milk ni lei, pang koryente, bayad sa assistant, pangLOAD at pang initial travel sa mga cliente pag kailangan talagang umalis sa office...

I pray that I wont end up waking up one morning na di makapasok sa work kasi wala na akong fare... PATIENCE PATIENCE PERSEVERE PERSEVERE!